#12: A Lesson in Nostalgia
Pop culture from my teens has come back to haunt me
I’ve just come back from a short annual leave break from work, and oh boy was it weird to not be at a desk every day.
Granted, it was only 5 days away from the office in total, but my body and brain just did not know what to do with themselves. I had a million ideas of how to spend the time (I could do those admin tasks, wash every single item of clothing in my cupboard, sip coffee and lie in the sun), and no actual plan for how to squeeze it all in (panic washing, it rained the whole weekend, I nearly cried at the chemist while filling a script…You get it).
What I will count as a win: I found some time to sit on my butt and soak up some TV and books.
The (only) problem with working in publishing
99.9 per cent of the time, I very firmly believe that I have the greatest job in the world. It’s endlessly interesting, changeable, meaningful and you get to hang out with books and authors all day. What’s not to love?
When I have some time to read for fun – without obligation or expectation, with no campaign or correspondence attached – I get stuck. Everything reminds me of work.
Ooh, that new book just arrived at the office, I’ll try that! Nope, the workplace anxiety/nausea/stress returns.
Ooh, maybe I’ll read that book that’s been sitting on my shelf forever! Nope, that author’s just released a new one and recently puffed something I’m working on. Also, that journalist hasn’t returned my email. And what am I going to do about that piece of coverage that’s due? Oh and I forgot to…
It goes on. And on.
A return to my roots
In an effort to truly *rest* my brain (and shut it the hell up), I decided to lean fully in to my usual fail-safe joys throughout my leave. I landed on two things that basically made up my personality as a teenager, and that I thought could give me a suitable level of escapism.
The Vampire Academy book series. Yes, you heard me right.
And Offspring, a very underrated show set in Melbourne, where the main character processes even more anxiety than I do.
Vampires and guilty reads
This one is the definition of a guilty pleasure, but every time I crack open the spine of my very worn copy of Vampire Academy, I genuinely feel as though I’m sinking into a hot bath.
Rose is a kick-ass vampire guardian in training, who will do anything to protect her royal best friend, Lissa. This gets kind of complicated when you throw in a really sexy Russian mentor, a political feud or two, a host of undead pasty vamps who want everyone dead, and a set of social expectations that basically mean these two girls have got some issues to sort through.
But far out, I’m here for it. Books that are written quickly/for smut/for escapism/for self-publishing reasons do not have to be written badly. This one honestly holds up: I am always fully gripped every time I dip in, and I finish it within a few days without fail. Perfect for a gal trying to escape her responsibilities.
I also had a weird revelation as I was reading it this time: this book was my first introduction to mental health. When this book was written (in the dark ages, when I was a teen), we just didn’t talk about depression. Like so many other things, it was swept under the rug in an attempt to protect us, like if we didn’t see it, it didn’t exist.
In this book, Lissa attempts to understand her strange powers and process how they’re impacting her. She spirals into depressive episodes, and has to be vulnerable to get help. Though this early introduction was bookended by descriptions of ‘craziness’ (offensive, and very 2008), it was the first time I can remember having these topics explained to me in an approachable, empathetic and understandable way.
As an adult who has a history with mental illness, re-reading this was a revelation.
So sure, it’s a school of vampires who are overpowered and fight bad guys – but there are also subtle character shifts and other things that evolve and unfold as the books go on. I think that’s pretty amazing for a vampire fantasy series.
Offspring
I was at about the third episode when I realised that I owe my personality to this show.
Before influencing was a thing, my teenage self was slowly mind-controlled by the characters in Offspring.
Nina is extremely anxious, a lover of thin scarves and chunky necklaces, drives a Mazda, and always has a white iPhone. She makes lists and forgets to live, gets good grades in her career, and is made fun of for being uptight.
Teenage Maddy was extremely anxious, a lover of thin scarves and chunky necklaces, wanted to drive a Mazda and had to have a white iPhone. I won’t dignify the rest with a response.
(I still have a white iPhone. And I’m determined to own a Mazda one day.)
It makes sense when I think about it: my most formative years were spent with this show, from the age of about fourteen to nineteen. It’s Melbourne based, with recognisable landscapes/locations and a very Australian feel to it. It was accessible, and hilarious fun to watch.
I’m already a season through, and it’s unsettling to see how much further I can go without recognising more of myself and what I turned out to be. Am I destined to fall in love with a married man whose wife is MIA? Should I dye my hair blonde?
Nostalgia power
I’m having so much fun reliving my teenage years, which is a sentence I never thought I’d type. Teenage me is not usually one for visits: incessantly anxious and people-pleasing, my ideal night in was an episode of Better Homes and Gardens followed by a romcom, with takeaway food on my lap. (Okay, not much has changed.)
But I also felt sad as I thought about it more deeply. So many of the goalposts I’d set for myself as a kid have shifted. I’m in a career that I love more than anything I’ve ever done, but I never imagined it for myself. I thought I’d be confident, capable and calm (with a good wardrobe) by now. I never thought I’d be childless and in a totally different career. I never thought I’d still be sorting through trauma and having menty bees as a fully fledged adult.
Would teenage me have been proud? Maybe, maybe not. But I realise teenage me didn’t know the half of the good that was to come.
Thanks as always for reading with me,
Maddy
x